Lesson 4. Xiao’s second attempt!

Some weeks later, after studying an academic writing course, Xiao attempted the same essay again.

Read his second attempt below and think about how his essay has improved. Again, think about the development of his ideas, the organisation and the language.

Post your comments on Xiao’s second attempt on the discussion board below.

Discuss the differences between the way of life in your country now and the way of life in the past

China is interesting country with a long history.  China is developing very fast nowadays through
the government and people’s hard work.  Many aspect of life have changed in the last fifty years,
some change are good and  some are bad. China better than before.  This essay will explain
changes in the country.

Firstly, people’s standard of living is higher than before.  People’s lives very bad after the
Second World War. People were poor because the country was poor. There was no food, no
electricity and it was hard to buy anything in shops.  Because of no food, government had to
make a rule, each person could only buy five kilos of rice per month.  In people’s homes, there
was no television or telephone. Since those days, China has industrialised. It has created jobs
and opportunities for people in cities such as Shanghai and Beijing and increased building work,
exports and profits.
China opened its doors to the world. The Olympic Games came to China in 2008. Nowadays, there is
enough food for everyone, and families had comfortable homes, televisions, internet access,
personal computers and mobile phones.  People can buy anything they want in the shops.

Other improvements happen in education and everyday behaviour. In school, students are now
learning English and modern ideas which come from other countries whereas in the past they spend
time learning how to speak the old Chinese language.  Teachers did not teach Science subjects in
those days. There are new customs too.  For example, in the past, couples usually got married at
home and wore red clothes but now they can marry in church and wear western-style clothes.
Wives not usually had jobs, they worked at home, they always obeyed their husbands. They never
said: ‘no’ when the man said: ‘yes’. But, nowadays, Chinese women can have important job and
hold own opinion.

There are some negative changes, such as the number of cigarette smokers has increased and
children do not work as hard as before because their live are easy. Both parents now work to
have a good standard of living and they have no time to spend with family.

It is clear that China change greatly over the last fifty years, and it will continue to improve.

Use the discussion board below to comment on how Xiao’s essay has improved. Again, think about the development of his ideas, the organisation and the language.

Examining improvements in Xiao’s second essay

Follow Anne’s review of Xiao’s second attempt at the essay as she identifies areas of improvement.

Anne will explore how Xiao’s academic writing has improved in the three main areas: content, organisation, and language. Think about what Xiao has done to improve how you can apply these lessons to your own writing.

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